The Southern Book Club's Guide to Slaying Vampires by Grady Hendrix

Grady Hendrix and I have an on-again off-again relationship. I didn't like Horrorstor, but I appreciated the premise and the book itself in terms of the illustrations included. I enjoyed How to Sell a Haunted House enough that I decided to try The Southern Book Club's Guide to Slaying Vampires and give him another chance. I will give him credit for being an author that I picked a random book from because of name recognition. So there's that working in his favor.

But we are back in a slump, unfortunately. Here's my list of notes during reading:

• All the characters are terrible
• When trying to figure out if James is a predator, all kinds of excuses are offered to let him off the hook, but the fact that Patricia actually SAW him violating a girl is just ignored
• Patricia's husband treats her like a child
• Book relies on coincidences (like a nosy neighbor logging license plates)
• "...it was a white monstrosity painted white..." What color was it again?
• Patricia had a sex assault victim take a shower before going to the hospital (she is a NURSE obsessed with true crime novels)
• Husband upon hearing his daughter has a drug problem "This is from YOUR side of the family" It was just a stupid line, which I get is the point, but it grated on me
• This poignant quote: "...'Mary Ellen!' Mrs. Green shouted, using her first name..." 
• The women act like female Peanuts characters (i.e. bitchy, frowny-faced, accusatory children)
• Patricia KNOWS James is a predator and is trying to convince everyone of this, yet it's ok for her son to stay at his house.
• The husbands' solution to the women accusing James of heinous things is to have him join the wives' book club...like, what?

Having said all of that, Hendrix might be turning into a guilty pleasure for me...because I was interested in the story. Even though I hated all the characters and could use the plot to strain spaghetti, I still wanted to know how it ended. And it didn't irk me enough to write off Hendrix forever. By managing my expectations and not taking his books too seriously, I'm in a better headspace to handle the annoyances and let the absurdity wash over me. And I suppose there's a place for that in my reading life, with the right mood and expectations.

How to Sell a Haunted House by Grady Hendrix

So I wasn't a fan of Horrorstor and had no interest in reading more of Hendrix's books, but I couldn't help grabbing How to Sell a Haunted House. I'm not even sure why. Honestly, I think it was just the cover. I mean, maybe we just got off on the wrong foot with Horrorstor and needed a second date to figure out if the chemistry really worked or not.

This may come as a surprise, but this story is about a haunted house. But even worse, it involves puppets and dolls...I think FlimFlamingo's description of "puppet gore" is appropriate. And it doesn't matter if they meant it ironically or not, the effect really is the same, which is to say it's horribly funny. 

What I liked about this book is that it kept me reading and wanting to go back to it when I put it down with the added bonus of ticking a lot of classic haunted house buttons for me. And it had the right amount of campiness - an issue I had with Horrorstor. One of the best chapters involved a funeral with overly zealous puppeteer attendees. And Hendrix knew the genius of this scene, as he reprises the funeral at the end of the book in a fun way that was reminiscent of Michael Rogalski's Horrostor illustrations - one of the best things about that book.

So I'm on the fence about Hendrix, I didn't really care for Horrorstor, but I liked How to Sell a Haunted House. I wonder if the issue is that I didn't quite get Hendrix's humor. Maybe he's an acquired taste...? I guess I'll have to pick up another one by Hendrix to break the tie and decide if we'll keep dating or not.

Horrorstor by Grady Hendrix

Why do people like this book? Am I missing something?

I get it. Bad writing and an improbable plot that could also operate as a pasta strainer have united like a defective pair of power twins before to create cult successes (I'm looking at you Sharknado). And really, there is a whole genre of bad horror films...but does it work with books, too? I'm not a horror book reader, so I'm sincerely asking.

Why do people think this book is so scary? Creepy kids? Scary. Does this book have creepy kids?

No.

Psychological drama? Can be scary. Like when someone thinks they're going crazy because they are seeing things other aren't. Or when they hear things other people don't. Does this book have psychological drama?

No.

Clowns? Scary. Does this book have clowns?

No.

Ghosts? Okay, now we're talking. This book has ghosts! However, they aren't Japanese or Korean ghosts, and we all know those are the scariest kind. And IDGAF if I'm spoiling anything, because this book is so bad, I'm doing you a favor. If you read it anyway after you read this review, you deserve to have it spoiled for the poor decision making skills you are exhibiting.

So there are ghosts. But (okay, I'll indulge you) *SPOILER ALERT* they're not scary.

And the plot? The plot, you ask? We have a handful of characters who are written as caricatures that we care little about. They work in an IKEA knock-off store that might be haunted and spend a night there figuring it all out. There's a homeless guy/possible ghost living in the store, but that's never resolved or really followed up on. In fact, it was like Hendrix was going in one direction and then forgot what he previously wrote and decided to completely change tack, so he killed the homeless guy and we are left wondering how he fit into the story at all. But maybe he was a ghost...one character wonders at the end. This is Hendrix's idea of resolution, I guess.

I won't go into any more holes in the plot. Suffice it to say you will find less in a heroin addict's arms after nickel night in the back alley.

I think the only good thing about this book is the actual book, which is made to look like an IKEA catalogue, complete with a store map and product drawings and descriptions. But I read the audiobook, so...

The dialogue was boring and humorless, and the only reason I finished the book is because it was short and I wanted credit for my cannonball goal. So here's my review and now I can move on with my life.